When I was a senior in high school my friends and I had a falling out due to boys and gossip. Friends I had for many years. I felt like I did not want any part of it, and I also felt disrespected that the situation even happened. So, I spent the year eating lunch by myself, walking to class by myself, pretty much became a loner. It was embarrassing at times and to make things worse I got into a car accident that left me in a wheelchair for the remaining of the year. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I realized I try to play it down like it did not almost break me.
Since then, I knew not to expect much from people, even those who were closest to me. The ones that knew my secrets were bound to let them out, and those that I felt connected to the most turned out to be the ones talking the most shit behind my back. I began taking myself out to eat, going out dancing by myself, and even take myself out to the movies (and trust me I bought the big pop corn with the big drink) I would lie to my mom by telling her I was going to meet some friends, because I did not want her feeling bad for me. Yes, my trust issues were and maybe still are that bad when it comes to friends. And I am sure it is part of the reason I do not settle down when it comes to relationships.
Now, I am still aware of the instability of the people I keep around me and I see myself having them at arm’s length. Not too close to touch or hurt me. I still see fakeness and the lack of support for the things I am working towards. I am horrible at keeping in touch with the girls I meet and even when they try to hang out and connect, I always have a good excuse of why I am not able to. Ultimately losing those connections since people just stop trying and I do not blame them.
I am scared to open myself to people, to let them know the real me because I know I am different. I think and do things differently. I follow my intuition and my heart, and I can be very honest and blunt (respectfully). When I do decide to open myself up to someone and be my true self, I always get reminded of why that was a big mistake. Maybe they did not reciprocate my feelings, or I always get judged or misunderstood.
I do not want life to be this way anymore, looking over my shoulder and not having people to share good news with. Have someone to talk about my dating life and even get some advice occasionally. I see myself changing from the inside out and I will always attract those who were meant to be in my life whether it was for a good time or a long time. I realize many of them were just lessons I needed to learn.
But I am hopeful that the right people will come into my life soon and I will create the empire God promise me. I always say everyone attached to me will win because I know the type of life I will eventually have. I am excited to see who is placed in my life now for the new journey I am starting, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that someone would prove me wrong. That it is not always your own, that there are some real people still left that value friendship, respect and honesty. But WE WILL SEE!
"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are" -Unknown
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